Miscellaneous Jokes and Puzzles

This file contains jokes and puzzles collected from various sources. It is mainly one long file of jokes for my personal entertainment - and hopefully for others to enjoy as well. (Warning: Some jokes may be quite rude.) The puzzles are at the bottom (second half) of the file.

Steven Wright Lines

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever.  So far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
24 hours in a day  ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory but some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

more Steven Wright One-Liners:

 Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
 If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
 considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't  live
 If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
 Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
 If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?  I went
 walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be  gone. I said,
"The whole time."
 So what's the speed of dark?
 How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?  And who has
been dis-ing them anyhow?
 After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
of the water?
 Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
 If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
 I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
 Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
 Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
 When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
 If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
 Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
 Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
 Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
 How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
 Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
 Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
 Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
 Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
 Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
 If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into?
 If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
 What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
 If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do
the other trees make fun of it?
 Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
 When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??
 It sounds like a near hit to me!!
 Do fish get cramps after eating?
 Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
 Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
 Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
 If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
 When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
 Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
 a door?
 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
 How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
 If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
 Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but
 dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
 Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
 Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
 Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
 What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
 Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
 Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
 Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem
 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
 Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
 War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Subject: HUMOR  (NOT X): How "They" Do It When It Comes to Sex

How "They" Do It When It Comes to Sex

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick 
Ambulance drivers comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under 
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks 
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others 
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure 
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers 
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation 
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way 
Garbagemen come twice a week 
Gardeners do it on the bushes 
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month 
Manang reps do it on comission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free 
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Subject: HUMOR FOR SHABBAT -- SHABBAT SHALOM HUMOR FOR SHABBAT -- SHABBAT SHALOM FRON THE FREEMAN CENTER THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID (but probably wishes he had) --Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if they already know everything --Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair --A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell --The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep --Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer. It's called a clothes line --Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others --Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them Subject: The Truth About History. Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college. (maybe) 1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" 3) Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. 9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. 10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. 12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. 13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 14) In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. 15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. 16) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. 18) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. 21) Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 22) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. 23) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 24) Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. 25) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 26) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. 27) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. 28) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 29) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. 30) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 31) The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. 32) The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. >>
Subject: HUMOR: Church Bulletin Bloopers Church Bulletin Bloopers Entertaining messages for the congregation. Don't you wish that all church bulletins could be this interesting? --------- The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Evening Massage - 6 PM The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers. The third verses of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All." The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday there will be an ice cream social at 4 PM. All ladies giving milk please come early. Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. At the early evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary. 8 new choir robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
Subject: [Fwd: HUMOR: FUN THOUGHTS!!] HUMOR: FUN THOUGHTS!! ------------------------------------ 1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. I doubt, therefore I might be. 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

No Known Source

  1. A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
             |   Cheese Sandwich:   $   1.50              |
             |   Chicken Sandwich:  $   2.50             |
             |   Hand Job:          $  10.00             |
    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
    bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
    blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
    "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives
    the hand-jobs?"
    "Yes", she purrs, "I am."
    The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
    Subject: miscommunications
    >Ever get to that point where you have a discussion with somebody and
    >your were not sure that they were speaking from the same page?  This
    >is just one of those examples....
    >Subject: Starting a Family
    >The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start
    >their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
    >kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
    >Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
    >rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You
    >don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been
    >expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    >"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
    >of babies."
    >"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
    >seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
    >"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
    >couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
    >is fun too; you can really spread out."
    >"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
    >"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
    >we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
    >angles,I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
    >"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
    >"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
    >in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that,I'm
    >"Don't I know !!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
    >The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
    >his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
    >"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    >"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
    >mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
    >Smith the picture.
    >"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    >"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
    >job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
    >pushing to get a good look."
    >"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    >"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The
    >mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
    >concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
    >Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
    >packed it all in."
    >Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
    >your....equipment ?"
    >"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
    >that we can get to work."
    >"Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
    >"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
    >for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
    >Good Lord, she's fainted!"
    >5216 Old Chapel Hill Rd.
    >Durham NC 27707
    >(919) 489-0516
Another long file of jokes and Rodney and Cathy's Joke list.


  • Puzzle World
  • A Salesman's Puzzle:
    The father of a household opens the door for a salesman. The salesman wants to sell something, but the father will only buy it if the salesman solves the following puzzle.
    The father says:" I have three daughters. The sum of their age is the number on the door. The product of their age is 36. Wath ages are they?"
    The salesman things for a while and says that he needs some more information in order to give a definite answer. The father tells him:" My oldest daughter is playing the piano."
    Upon this, the salesman immediately gives the corect answer to the puzzle. What is the answer?