From STERN@vax2.concordia.ca Fri Dec 6 10:56:40 1996 Received: from vax2.concordia.ca (Vax2.Concordia.CA [132.205.1.100]) by www.math.uwaterloo.ca (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id KAA13539 for ; Fri, 6 Dec 1996 10:56:39 -0500 (EST) Received: from vax2.concordia.ca by vax2.concordia.ca (PMDF V5.0-5 #16739) id <01ICOR4FYFVA000V29@vax2.concordia.ca>; Fri, 06 Dec 1996 10:56:13 +0000 (HELP) Date: Fri, 06 Dec 1996 10:56:13 +0000 (HELP) From: RON STERN To: bisrael@rci.Rutgers.EDU, henry@www.math.uwaterloo.ca Message-id: <01ICOR4FYGT4000V29@vax2.concordia.ca> X-VMS-To: ADI,HENRY,STALI MIME-version: 1.0 Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Status: R From: IN%"73532.2414@CompuServe.COM" "Andrew Bourke" 3-DEC-1996 17:42:28.28 To: IN%"102057.2656@CompuServe.COM" "CHARLES MARIEN" CC: IN%"72760.367@CompuServe.COM" "NORM NESS", IN%"STERN@vax2.concordia.ca" "RON STERN" Subj: [Fwd: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one] Return-path: <73532.2414@CompuServe.COM> Received: from hil-img-1.compuserve.com by vax2.concordia.ca (PMDF V5.0-5 #16739) id <01ICKYFV1U8W003O1I@vax2.concordia.ca> for STERN@vax2.concordia.ca; Tue, 03 Dec 1996 17:42:25 +0000 (HELP) Received: by hil-img-1.compuserve.com (8.6.10/5.950515) id RAA07072; Tue, 03 Dec 1996 17:42:04 -0500 Date: Tue, 03 Dec 1996 17:40:51 -0500 (EST) From: Andrew Bourke <73532.2414@CompuServe.COM> Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one] To: CHARLES MARIEN <102057.2656@CompuServe.COM> Cc: NORM NESS <72760.367@CompuServe.COM>, RON STERN Message-id: <961203224051_73532.2414_EHT88-1@CompuServe.COM> Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT ---------- Forwarded Message ---------- From: nicki h lang, INTERNET:trikster@total.net TO: Andrew Bourke, 73532,2414 DATE: 12/2/96 10:26 PM RE: [Fwd: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one] Sender: trikster@total.net Received: from accuracy.total.net (accuracy.total.net [205.236.87.205]) by dub-img-5.compuserve.com (8.6.10/5.950515) id WAA13888; Mon, 2 Dec 1996 22:26:02 -0500 Received: from server.total.net (as5200-0605.mtl.total.net [205.205.161.67]) by accuracy.total.net (8.7.6/8.7.3) with SMTP id WAA20365 for <73532.2414@CompuServe.COM>; Mon, 2 Dec 1996 22:21:25 -0500 (EST) Message-ID: <32A39F43.36E9@total.net> Date: Mon, 02 Dec 1996 22:32:19 -0500 From: nicki h lang X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.02E-KIT (Win95; U) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: 73532.2414@CompuServe.COM Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one] Content-Type: message/rfc822 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Disposition: inline Received: from mfp.org ([204.92.63.10]) by accuracy.total.net (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id QAA27811 for ; Thu, 28 Nov 1996 16:19:05 -0500 (EST) Received: by gateway.mfp.org id <53762>; Thu, 28 Nov 1996 16:43:09 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 Date: Thu, 28 Nov 1996 16:18:33 -0500 From: dbishop@mfp.org (DENNIS BISHOP at MFP-HDO) To: trikster@total.net Subject: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one Message-Id: <96Nov28.164309est.53762@gateway.mfp.org> Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="IMA.Boundary.849216498" X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 This is a Mime message, which your current mail reader may not understand. Parts of the message will appear as text. To process the rest, you will have to use a Mime compatible mail reader. Contact your vendor for details. --IMA.Boundary.849216498 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Description: cc:Mail note part ______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________ Subject: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one Author: JOEL GATES at MFP-HDO Date: 22/11/96 10:08 This is hilarious!!! I'm sure you'll love it!!! >>>> 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. >>>> The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. >>>> The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, >>>> It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. >>>> >>>> Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, >>>> Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. >>>> When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, >>>> That I lost my boner and momma went dry. >>>> >>>> Up to the window I sprang like an elf, >>>> Tore back the shade while she played with herself. >>>> The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, >>>> Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. >>>> >>>> When what to my wondering eyes should appear, >>>> But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. >>>> With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, >>>> A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. >>>> >>>> Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite >>>> And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. >>>> Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, >>>> Either slow this rig down or I'll cut off your nuts. >>>> >>>> Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, >>>> Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. >>>> They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, >>>> Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. >>>> >>>> And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, >>>> As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. >>>> I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, >>>> When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. >>>> >>>> His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, >>>> He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore. >>>> "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, >>>> "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile." >>>> >>>> He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink, >>>> Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. >>>> I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, >>>> The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. >>>> >>>> Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, >>>> But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. >>>> The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, >>>> The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. >>>> >>>> A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, >>>> And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. >>>> A bra without nipples, a penis extension, >>>> And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. >>>> >>>> A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, >>>> And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. >>>> "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, >>>> So I'll leave 'em here, then I'll just split." >>>> >>>> He filled every stocking and then took his leave, >>>> With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. >>>> He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, >>>> Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. >>>> >>>> In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, >>>> Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph, the night's been a bitch!" >>>> The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, >>>> "The best thing about pussy is that you can never wear it out!" --IMA.Boundary.849216498 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII; name="RFC822 message headers" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Description: cc:Mail note part Received: from mfp.org by mailexch.mfp.org with SMTP (IMA Internet Exchange v1.04a) id 295b74e0; Fri, 22 Nov 96 09:23:10 -0500 Received: from gatekeeper.monsanto.com ([199.89.234.125]) by gateway.mfp.org with SMTP id <53774>; Fri, 22 Nov 1996 09:09:24 -0500 Received: by gatekeeper.monsanto.com; id AA11285; Fri, 22 Nov 96 07:51:23 CST Received: from tin.monsanto.com(137.35.4.90) by gatekeeper.monsanto.com. via smap (V3.1.1) id xma011036; Fri, 22 Nov 96 07:51:03 -0600 Received: from searle.monsanto.com by tin (5.65/Monsanto1.11) id AA14669; Fri, 22 Nov 1996 07:48:22 -0600 Received: from ccMail by searle.monsanto.com id AA848677853 Fri, 22 Nov 96 07:50:53 CST Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 08:50:53 -0500 From: mmfind@searle.monsanto.com Message-Id: <9610228486.AA848677853@searle.monsanto.com> To: kmtruffe@mobility.com, kproudfo@mustang.uwo.ca, krhollan@mobility.com, laitken@icescape.com, mconway@mfp.org, nrawlins@mustang.uwo.ca Subject: Fwd: T'was the night before x-mas, but ain't the normal one --IMA.Boundary.849216498-- From bisrael@rutcor.rutgers.edu Wed Dec 25 21:09:16 1996 Received: from dantzig.rutgers.edu (dantzig.rutgers.edu [128.6.70.3]) by www.math.uwaterloo.ca (8.7.6/8.7.3) with SMTP id VAA03130 for ; Wed, 25 Dec 1996 21:09:15 -0500 (EST) Received: (from bisrael@localhost) by dantzig.rutgers.edu (8.6.12+bestmx+oldruq+newsunq+grosshack/8.6.12) id VAA07458 for hwolkowi@www.uwaterloo.ca; Wed, 25 Dec 1996 21:09:05 -0500 Date: Wed, 25 Dec 1996 21:09:05 -0500 From: Adi Ben-Israel Message-Id: <199612260209.VAA07458@dantzig.rutgers.edu> To: hwolkowi@www.math.uwaterloo.ca Status: R WHY THE MALASSIAN GOVERNMENT SHOULD HIRE UGLY WOMEN "Since the prettier candidate has already been blessed by God, it is only right that we should hire the uglier one," said Nik Abdul Aziz during a lecture to government employees in the Malaysian state of Kelantan. "After all, if we do not choose the ugly candidates, who will?" Aziz, Chief Minister of Kelantan (one of Malaysia's most fervently Islamic states), explained the thinking behind his latest decree. "There are far too many pretty women in government offices at the moment, distracting male workers and lowering business efficiency with their pert and yielding tightness. But when ugly women are employed in an office, then the work rate increases wondrously. Besides, we must be ever watchful for possible immoral activities, and it is wellknown that pretty women cause unhealthy activities that lead to insanity, blindness, sickness and bends. That is why, from now on, thorough ugliness must be considered a deciding factor at all job interviews." (Utusan Malaysia, 25/10/96) Copied from PRIVATE EYE, Issue 913, 13th December 1996, Funny Old World. URL: http://www.compulink.co.uk/~private-eye/simple.htm From stern@vax2.concordia.ca Tue Jan 7 09:08:07 1997 Received: from vax2.concordia.ca (Vax2.Concordia.CA [132.205.1.100]) by www.math.uwaterloo.ca (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id JAA26381 for ; Tue, 7 Jan 1997 09:08:05 -0500 (EST) Received: from rstern.Concordia.CA by vax2.concordia.ca (PMDF V5.0-5 #16739) id <01IDXCONIPA80032OM@vax2.concordia.ca>; Tue, 07 Jan 1997 09:08:15 +0000 (HELP) Date: Tue, 07 Jan 1997 09:08:15 +0000 (HELP) Date-warning: Date header was inserted by vax2.concordia.ca From: Ron Stern Subject: Exotic animal joke # 87 X-Sender: stern@vax2.concordia.ca (Unverified) To: Andrew Bourke <73532.2414@compuserve.com>, bisrael@rutcor.rutgers.edu, Yuri Ledyaev , Henry Wolkowicz , evan@nash.pubnix.net, MMarpet@worldnet.att.net Message-id: <01IDXCONMB9E0032OM@vax2.concordia.ca> MIME-version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 Content-type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Status: R A married couple have two exotic animals in their car----a snake and a skunk. But they must cross the border with them, which is illegal. The husband has an idea how to smuggle the animals across. Husband: "I will wear the snake around my waist, and it will look like a belt. And you put the skunk under your panties, and it will appear natural. Wife: "But what if it starts to stink?" Husband: "Don't worry; if I can get used to it, so can the skunk." > ------------------ > ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride = on > your own ass? > ON THE FAUCET IN A FINNISH WASHROOM: To stop the drip, turn cock to > right. > IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from = their > own skin. > ON THE BOX OF A CLOCKWORK TOY MADE IN HONGKONG: Guaranteed to work > throughout its useful life. > DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways. > IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream. > IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a = foreigner > dressed as a man. > IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. > IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next = day. > During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. > IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front = desk. > IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the = office > between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. > IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is = the > job of the chambermaid. > IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX = MONASTERY: > You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and = Soviet > composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. > IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the > corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. > IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend = courteous, > efficient self-service. > IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best = results. > OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking. > OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs. > IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big = rush, > we will execute customers in strict rotation. > FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts = by > 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed = over > the past two years. > IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking = shape > since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. > A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on = our > black forest camping site that people of different sex, for = instance, > men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with = each > other for this purpose. > IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests = of > the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by = used > for this purpose. > IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONGKONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the = latest > Methodists. > IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the > afternoon having a good time. > IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven = city > tours. We guarantee no miscarriages. > IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send = them > in all directions. > ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to = the > USSR, you are welcome to it. > IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have = children > in the bar. > AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any > suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. > IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other = diseases. > IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the = water > served here. > IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find = they > are best in the long run. > FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR = CONDITIONER: > Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your = room, > please control yourself. > FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of = foot > heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, = but > if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. > TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE: > - - - - English well talking > - - - - Here speeching American. --------------AA8419210CC-- From stern@vax2.concordia.ca Mon Sep 29 12:30:05 1997 Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 10:15:01 +0000 (HELP) From: Ron Stern To: evan@nash.pubnix.net, apiesco@msis.dmso.mil, cwsk86b@prodigy.com, davidkud@psyberlink.net, stali@vax2.concordia.ca, longball@accent.net, longball@total.net, bisrael@rutcor.rutgers.edu, Henry Wolkowicz >Return-path: >Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 09:49:12 -0400 >From: "Ian J. Irvine" >Subject: >X-Sender: irvinei@vax2.concordia.ca >To: stern@vax2.concordia.ca > >Ron, Some quite good ones here. I^2. >------------------------------------- >1. What do jello and a woman have in common?=20 >>They both wiggle when you eat them. >> =20 >>2. What is a Yankee? >>The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. >> =20 >>3. What do women and condoms have in common? >>They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis. >> =20 >>4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?=20 >>Odor eaters >> =20 >>5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?=20 >>Lickalotopuss >> =20 >>6. Why do men name their penis? >>They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of=20 >>their decisions. >> =20 >>7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?=20 >>Snowballs. >> =20 >>8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?=20 >>A hard pecker. >> =20 >>9. What kind of bees give milk? >>Boo bees >> =20 >>10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?=20 >>Speed bumps >> =20 >>11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?=20 >>They both like a tight seal. >> =20 >>12. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic=20 >>divers? >>Mark Spitz and Greg swallows. >> =20 >>13. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?=20 >>If it were more, it would be Hell. >> =20 >>14. What is the first symptom of aids?=20 >>A heavy pounding in the rectum. >> =20 >>15. What has three teeth and sixty feet?=20 >>The front row at a Willy Nelson concert. >> =20 >>16. What is the new gay internet address?=20 >>c : enter >> =20 >>17. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?=20 >>They're right! We do taste like chicken! >> =20 >>18. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?=20 >>The balls are just for decoration. >> =20 >>19. What did the banana say to the vibrator? >>What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME! >> =20 >>20. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?=20 >>They have no balls to scratch >> =20 >>21. What is the difference between erotic and kinky? >>Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. >> =20 >>22. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?=20 >>About three inches. >> =20 >>23. How do you make a hormone? >>Don't pay her. >> =20 >>24. What do you call a gay dinosaur?=20 >>Megasorass >> =20 >>25. Why did God give women legs? >>So they don't leave slug tracks. >> =20 >>26. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?=20 >>One..Men will screw anything >> =20 >>27. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?=20 >>One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play=20 >>with....the other is used to carry groceries. >> =20 >>28. What is the mating call of a blonde?=20 >>"I'm sooooo drunk!" >> =20 >>29. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?=20 >>Oh look! Doughnut seeds! >> =20 >>30,What does a blonde put behind her ears?=20 >>Her legs. >> =20 >>31. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?=20 >>Your last blow job....ever! >> =20 >>32. What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?=20 >>A mechanic. > > > >From - Mon Nov 25 11:52:41 1996 From: BSaphir@aol.com To: freemanlist@lists.io.com cc: Joexhk@aol.com, 75452.2503@compuserve.com Sender: owner-freemanlist@io.com Reply-To: freemanlist-request@io.com Received: from lists.io.com ([199.170.88.15]) by mtigwc02.worldnet.att.net (post.office MTA v2.0 0613 ) with SMTP id AAA7381; Sat, 23 Nov 1996 03:05:28 +0000 Received: (from root@localhost) by lists.io.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) id QAA13932= for freemanlist-outgoing; Fri, 22 Nov 1996 16:51:31 -0600 Received: from emout16.mail.aol.com (emout16.mx.aol.com [198.81.11.42]) by = lists.io.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id QAA13886 for ; Fri, 22 Nov 1996 16:44:29 -0600 Received: by emout16.mail.aol.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) id RAA23138; Fri, 22 Nov = 1996 17:44:37 -0500 Message-ID: <961122174435_1850090334@emout16.mail.aol.com> Subject: HUMOR AT LAST -- ENOUGH OF THE BAD NEWS. Precedence: bulk Date: Fri, 22 Nov 96 22:44:37 +0000 X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Content-Length: 8587 The Freeman Center is happy to forward some humor from our good friends at Bridges for Peace. Shabbat Shalom = ENOUGH OF THE BAD NEWS. HERE THIS WEEK'S HUMOR, SOME SUBMITTED BY OTHER READERS AND = FRIENDS. HAVE A GREAT SHABBAT AND A GREAT WEEKEND. SHALOM FOR THIS WEEK. = - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - = BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD = "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." = "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." = "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." = "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." = "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" = "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." = "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." = "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" = "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!" "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician" = "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." = "Work is for people who don't know how to fish" = "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." = "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" = "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." = "I Brake For No Apparent Reason." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." = "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!" = "No Radio - Already Stolen" "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges." = "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" = "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! " "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!" = "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!" = "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist." "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. " "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!" = "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." = "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist." = "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have." "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." = "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms" "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" = "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?" = "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." = "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." = "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." = "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "i souport publik edekasion" "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." = "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.= " "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles." "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy." = "I is a college student." "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself." = "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?" = - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - REAL LAWS ON THE BOOKS These are real standing laws from around the United States. = Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! ALABAMA: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating = a vehicle. CALIFORNIA: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal = for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over = puddles of water. CONNECTICUT: 1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands. FLORIDA: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as = can the salon owner. 2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. = 3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking = fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while = attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. ILLINOIS: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, = cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. INDIANA: 1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter. 2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater = nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. IOWA: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five = minutes. KENTUCKY: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or = she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. LOUISIANA: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," = while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." MASSACHUSETTS: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed = and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first = pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in = public. 4. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church. NEBRASKA: 1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp = during a church service. NEW MEXICO: 1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. NEW YORK: 1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law = specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city = street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second = conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the = violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" = wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. NORTH DAKOTA: 1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar = or restaurant. OHIO: 1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in = public. OKLAHOMA: 1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly = faces at a dog. 2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being = licensed by the state. 3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to = congregate in groups of three or more on private property. PENNSYLVANIA: 1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt = and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his = wife. TEXAS: 1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot = without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. 2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time = while standing. VERMONT: 1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least = one bath each week -- on Saturday night. WASHINGTON: 1. All lollipops are banned. 2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist = with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone = the chief of police as he is entering the town. WEST VIRGINIA: 1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of = "wild onions." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ---------------------------------2079230218296-- From nwolk@flash.net Sun Jun 14 07:43:26 1998 Date: Sat, 13 Jun 1998 23:52:23 -0700 From: Nathan Wolkovitz To: Henry Wolkowicz Cc: Lani Gossett , Lee KETCHUM , Leon , Lou Arky , Macci Ruvinsky , Maria Lazras , Masud , Mike Schmit , Steve Ginsberg , Brad Williams , "EDDIE J. WHITTLE" , Gerald Belber , Ira Early , Jack Pearson Subject: [Fwd: Philosophy of Poultry (fwd)] [ Part 1: "Included Message" ] [ Part 2: "Included Message" ] Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 12:25:59 -0400 (EDT) From: Henry Wolkowicz To: Nathan Wolkovitz Subject: Philosophy of Poultry (fwd) enjoy ||Prof. Henry Wolkowicz |Fax: (519) 725-5441 ||University of Waterloo |Tel: (519) 888-4567, 1+ext. 5589 ||Dept of Comb and Opt |email: henry@www.math.uwaterloo.ca ||Waterloo, Ont. CANADA N2L 3G1 |URL: http://www.math.uwaterloo.ca/~hwolkowi || anonymous ftp available at www.math.uwaterloo.ca ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 11:38:00 -0400 (EDT) From: Gail Wolkowicz To: Henry Wolkowicz Subject: Philosophy of Poultry (fwd) Thought you and Daniel would like these. Gail S. K. Wolkowicz Fax: (905) 522-0935 Department of Math. & Stats. Tel: (905) 525-9140 ext. 24808 McMaster University (519) 623-3182 (home) Hamilton, Ontario Office: Burke Science 233B CANADA L8S 4K1 email: wolkowic@mcmaster.ca Home page: http://icarus.math.mcmaster.ca/wolkowic/wolkowic.html ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 11:35:17 -0400 (EDT) From: Andrew Nicas To: alamas@icarus.Math.McMaster.CA, wolkowic@icarus.Math.McMaster.CA Subject: Philosophy of Poultry Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross- median processes. The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: "Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? [ Part 3: "Included Message" ] Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 17:24:01 EDT From: BSaphir@aol.com To: freemanlist@lists.io.com, docroc@wt.net, Minparking@aol.com, JJRose@hal-pc.org, EPBU62A@prodigy.com Subject: HUMOR: POOR BUNNY HUMOR: POOR BUNNY , ' '~, ,,,,_ / ''~-,,_ ,-' '-,~~-, | X'~-, ,' / ', '-, ', '-, | / ,' '~-, \ | | / X''''~~~~~~~' |,,,\ \ / '-, ' ~ ~' '-, / /' OO ' ~--~~' ,-'- ,-~XX~-, '-, ,-' '~-,,,-~' ', / \ ,_,- / ', ,_;' | / ,' '-, '''~-~"~~" ,~' '~--,,_ '~~' ,- ' |'' ~',-, / , '~-~""~-, / ,,--'~--,,_,,- ) ) / -' '~,~'"" / ~ )_,,_ | }__""~, \,_ _,,,--~'X X'~, '~-,,,,,\, ~-, '-, '~-,,__ _,),--" ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD!! Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time ofhis death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming... [ Part 4: "Included Message" ] Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 17:29:32 EDT From: BSaphir@aol.com To: freemanlist@lists.io.com, David_Shapiro@dell.com, docroc@wt.net, Minparking@aol.com, flournoy@ipa.net Subject: HUMOR (DON'T ASK, WE NEED IT) 52 Sayings you'd like to see in the office Top 52 Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters > > 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better > company someday. > 2) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > > 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to > budget cuts. > > 4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job > WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. > > 5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. > > 6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! > > 7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they > did it by killing all those who opposed them. > > 8) We put the "k" in "kwality" > > 9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right > thing. > > 10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. > > 11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a > scapegoat. > > 12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos... > then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. > > 13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE..... > > 14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We > are union members! > > 15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! > > 16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?" > > 17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. > > 18) Plagiarism saves time. > > 19) We build great airplanes...when we feel like it or don't have > any reason to call in sick. We're Boeing Machinists!! > > 20) Work slow, drive slow, think slow? > You too can be a Boeing Machinist. > > 21) If at first you don't succeed - try management. > > 22) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. > > 23) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. > > 24) This can't go on forever--Even the Third Reich only lasted 12 > years. > > 25) Never quit until you have another job. > > 26) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself. > > 27) Work harder you slaves! > > 28) The beatings will continue until morale improves. > > 29) ANNOUNCEMENT: All directors and managers have been fired. > Their salaries, offices, company cars and season tickets to > sporting events will be given away in a lottery drawing this > Thursday at 3:45. > New office hours: Mon-Thur, 10-4. > > 30) Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, > somebody throws me a shovel. > > 31) If you can read this, you're not working! > > 32) If at first you don't succeed... DELEGATE. > > 33) Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in > large groups. > > 34) "We waste time, so you don't have to". > > 35) Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! > > 36) Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an > incompetent slacker. > > 37) Scum always floats to the top! > > 38) When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. > > 39) Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you > to work for free. > > 40) INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. > > 41) Succeed in spite of management. > > 42) Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. > > 43) We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning > than other companies do all day. > > 44) Look on the bright side, at least your not working > in the IRAQ tank brigade. > > 45) You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you. > > 46) There is no I in 'TEAM' (But there is in 'Management Kiss-up'). > > 47) Work; It isn't just for sleeping anymore. > > 48) There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs > and people who don't work here anymore. > > 49) Be punctual, be loyal, and above all, never forget that > "Manager" is an anagram for "Complete and Total Terror"! > > 50) Two Drink Minimum. > > 51) Department of Defense: We kill people - so you don't have to!! > > 52) It's only unethical if you get caught. [ Part 5: "Included Message" ] Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 17:59:51 EDT From: BSaphir@aol.com To: freemanlist@lists.io.com, David_Shapiro@dell.com, docroc@wt.net, Minparking@aol.com, JJRose@hal-pc.org Subject: HUMOR: The Best Headlines of 1997 >>> [The last of today's triple hitter of humor to aid those of us depressed over the current Mid-East situation (read possible sell out for situation....Bernard] >>> The Best Headlines of 1997 >>> Include Your Children when Baking Cookies >>> >>> Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says >>> >>> Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers >>> >>> Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted >>> >>> Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case >>> >>> Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents >>> >>> Iraqi Head Seeks Arms >>> >>> Prostitutes Appeal to Pope >>> >>> Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over >>> >>> British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands >>> >>> Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms >>> >>> Eye Drops Off Shelf >>> >>> Teacher Strikes Idle Kids >>> >>> Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead >>> >>> Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe >>> >>> Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told >>> >>> Miners Refuse to Work after Death >>> >>> Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant >>> >>> Stolen Painting Found by Tree >>> >>> Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter >>> >>> Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years >>> >>> Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One >>> >>> War Dims Hope for Peace >>> >>> If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While >>> >>> Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures >>> >>> Deer Kill 17,000 >>> >>> Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide >>> >>> Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges >>> >>> Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead >>> >>> Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge >>> >>> New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group >>> >>> Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft >>> >>> Kids Make Nutritious Snacks >>> >>> Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy >>> >>> Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire >>> >>> Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood >>> >>> Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half >>> >>> Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors >Some of these you've seen before, but some are new... From STERN@vax2.concordia.ca Tue Jun 16 13:22:56 1998 Received: from vax2.concordia.ca (Vax2.Concordia.CA [132.205.1.100]) by www.math.uwaterloo.ca (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id NAA11106 for ; Tue, 16 Jun 1998 13:22:47 -0400 (EDT) Received: from vax2.concordia.ca by vax2.concordia.ca (PMDF V5.0-5 #23689) id <01IYB0KRN3Q800EQBQ@vax2.concordia.ca>; Tue, 16 Jun 1998 13:23:00 -0400 (EDT) Date: Tue, 16 Jun 1998 13:23:00 -0400 (EDT) From: RON STERN To: bisrael@rutgers.rutcor.edu, henry@www.math.uwaterloo.ca Message-id: <01IYB0KRO88I00EQBQ@vax2.concordia.ca> X-VMS-To: IN%"bisrael@rutgers.rutcor.edu",HENRY MIME-version: 1.0 Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Status: RO X-Status: From: IN%"longball@total.net" "Bill Silverman" 16-JUN-1998 11:54:46.59 To: IN%"rinkrat@total.net" "mark feldman", IN%"brambo@pop.total.net", IN%"robynd@alcor.concordia.ca" "robyn kimberly diner", IN%"stern@vax2.concordia.ca" "ron stern" CC: Subj: Fw: Hot off the press Return-path: Received: from clyde.Concordia.CA (clyde.Concordia.CA) by vax2.concordia.ca (PMDF V5.0-5 #23689) id <01IYAXHDPGRK00FG15@vax2.concordia.ca> for stern@vax2.concordia.ca; Tue, 16 Jun 1998 11:54:42 -0400 (EDT) Received: from pablo.total.net (pablo.total.net [205.236.175.128]) by clyde.concordia.ca (8.8.7/8.8.7) with ESMTP id LAA01099 for ; Tue, 16 Jun 1998 11:54:11 -0400 (EDT) Received: from bill (ppp-5200-1637.mtl.total.net [207.139.113.51]) by pablo.total.net (8.8.7/8.8.5) with ESMTP id LAA05845; Tue, 16 Jun 1998 11:53:35 -0400 (EDT) Date: Tue, 16 Jun 1998 11:57:07 -0400 From: Bill Silverman Subject: Fw: Hot off the press To: mark feldman , brambo@pop.total.net, robyn kimberly diner , ron stern Reply-to: <@total.net> Message-id: <199806161553.LAA05845@pablo.total.net> MIME-version: 1.0 X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1161 Content-type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Priority: 3 ---------- > From: SHEILA_GITTELMAN@yr.com > To: longball@accent.net > Subject: Hot off the press > Date: Wednesday, June 10, 1998 5:18 PM > > > SO, ENJOY ALREADY! > > ______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________ > Subject: Hot off the press > Author: ERIC CAPEL at SHGALL > Date: 6/10/98 5:03 PM > > > As promised; > > ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS > > Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, > Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, > Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in > the "fast" lane. POB 90. > > Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks > same in woman. POB 43. > > Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, > squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. > POB 677. > > Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74. > > Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No > personality. POB 78. > > Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last > week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your > gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you > again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). > POB 766. > > Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. > Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of > meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99. > > Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism > of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56. > > Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male > who will accept my independence, although you probably > will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435. > > Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, > Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. > Seeks non-smoker. POB 787. > > Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my > behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English > very good. POB 555. > > Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. > Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43. > > 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile > Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, > can't I? POB 545. > > I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your > heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. > Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No > fatties, please. POB 86. > > Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, > self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53. > > Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, > skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76. > > Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful buisnessman of > any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. > POB 27 > > I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox > from birth. Seeking same. POB 46. > > Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can > get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. > POB 72 > > Desparately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen > desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and > krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64 > > Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. > Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. > POB 81 > > Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks > successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my > parents' house. POB 46 > > Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule > with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build > Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not > important. PB 658 > > Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit. There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG, but, rather with a BIG SHIT. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. ******************************* Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions. Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A Widow. Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire. Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: What did God say after creating Adam? A: I must be able to do better than that. Q: What did God say after creating Eve? A: "Practice makes perfect." Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They are married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." ****************************** SARCASTIC REMARKS TO GET YOU THROUGH THE DAY 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be....? 2. Do I look like a fucking people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 15. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 16. Allow me to introduce my selves. 17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 23. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 27. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 30. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 32. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 37. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. 38. I plead contemporary insanity. 39. And which dwarf are you? 40. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 41. Meandering to a different drummer. 42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? Subject: Men Men become smarter during sex, Because they're plugged into a genius. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like...Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like...Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like...Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest are too small. Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like...Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like...High Heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like...Curling Irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair. Men are like...Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are. PS: I personally think men can be wonderful - but it's still fun to poke fun at the obvious differences between men and women - especially since women are the superior species....:) MJ ********************* After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone finally fought back. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven! Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.......wedding cake. ******************* Van Gogh After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother, Pleaze Gogh His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stopen Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt, Tang Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco, Goe Gogh His Italian uncle, Dey Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh ****************